The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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Paleo Pete and the Mystery of the Poop Trance

165: Paleo Pete and the Mystery of the Poop Trance

May 15, 2017 at 12:00AM • 1 hour 29 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about shifty eyes, sleep pooping, and asbestos—it's what's for dinner! Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email for all your options!

Special Guest: Tommy Honton (Adam's cohost on Supercharged)

Support us by buying a t-shirt or Erica! Also, check out Richard's new show Interview with a Comic Book Nerd!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard watches the Body Guard and gets treated to allergy symptoms.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (32/SFF) asks, "This is really awkward and really straightforward. My gyno has big sausage fingers and is very clumsy so sometimes I make noises. He asks me if it hurts and it would be less awkward if it did. It could be the best I've ever had. It's nice. What do I do? (32/Straight/Fat)"
  • Gabe (22/SF) asks, "Hey there everyone! I'm a 22 year old straight-ish female from Canada. I've been listening to your podcast for about a year now and you've brightened up my work day and overall never fail to make me laugh. So thanks for being awesome. I'm not sure if this is the kinda question that fits with the podcast, but from all of the questions you get, Im hoping you can help me cope/understand my weird obsession with my eyes. Sooooo I have a strange obsession with my eyes. To me, my eyes change shape from day to day. I know it doesnt make sense, I don't know how it works either(whether it's all in my head or if there's literally something going down). It's been a huge disturbance to my life for about 11 years now, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Basically I prefer the look of my face with one eye shape rather than the other. It's hard to explain, but when my eyes are in the smaller shape phase(phase lasting anywhere from a week to 2 weeks or 3 days even), I prefer what I look like. And when they switch to the bigger eye phase, I can't stand what I look like. I've gone to a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist, and psychologist. The most they've said is it might be a side affect of stress, but it's hard for me to believe that it's all in my head because I can see a physical difference. When I was a teenager, it took over my life. I would get anxiety and leave class to go look in a mirror to make sure my eyes still looked the way I liked. And when I didn't like what they looked like, I would be extremely depressed for however long the phase lasted. With my last doctor (psychologist), we'd been discussing how this could be something that came out of years of being undiagnosed with OCD. The OCD would come in to play within the first 3 years where I stopped sleeping at night because I would spend my time in the bathroom repeatedly washing/scrubbing my face attempting to create the look I wanted. That was basically the first 3 years of my high school career. The only thing that broke the cycle is when I started smoking pot- I was finally sleeping at night again.But ever since then I've been getting better at dealing with the big dips of depression but I hate how much this still has a hold on me. Have you heard of anything like this? Besides doctors, I find it difficult to talk to anyone about this... sorry if this is too long of a question, I tend to ramble a bit. Thanks again, Gabe"
  • Aaron (19/SM) asks, "aloha and my problem is I can't listen when I'm having to poop. if I feel it (the poop) pressing on my butthole all the words go into my head and then right out of my head. it's lights out. i literally hear nothing man. if I gotta poop it then my mind is one-track poop. sometimes I just walk outta the room when they're talking. It's fucked up cuz people follw me to the toilet some of the times and talk to me while I'm doing the work and when it's all out I hear a plop and then whatever part of the sentence she's on. it's freaky cuz it's like 'if that raccoon got loose again and they're giving it to Billy.' i don't even know what that means cuz I don't know what came before that part of the sentence. this is what my life is like now man. i get so anxious about the poop the minute the turtle knocks I get lost inside myself. this happened a year before I got to college and I didn't have not any kinds of poop traumatics at home. my whole family pooped and they were very polite about it. don't know where this came from, don't know how to get rid of it. i'm just thinking i'm anxious too cuz my heart is going fast when I snap back into reality. it's like I sleepwalked to the toilet. do you know what a guy's gotta do to stop having a poop trance?"
  • David (34/SM) asks, "Where to begin, where to begin. Never date an Aussie girl on a diet? I’m David and I’m from Nebraska. She’s Charney and she’s from Sydney. We met at a CrossFit event. She hates running, I hate running. We both do CrossFit Rx so we’re both hot. We both do Paleo. She even likes Star Wars. I planned to fuck her and then she’d fly home butI fell in love with her so we got married. Now we live in a house in Ogallala and have a kid with each other. He’s only four or something but he’s got potential. The boy could kip before he was potty trained. I’m a proud ass dad. I love my kid and I love Charney but here’s the egg she’s making me suck. She loves that dude Pete Evans and wants to open a restaurant. Pete Evans is that dude on TV in Australia. They call him Paleo Pete. The man’s got a few good recipes, I’ll give him that. I’d eat his Pebbles and Bam Bam Super Scram for every breakfast if Charney would make it. She’s got to go and try all of Pete’s recipes and do her own take so they’re original. She's busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor. I get the food she puts in front of me and like it. Now she’s gone too far and I don’t have the patience. See now, Paleo Pete made a stir when made a soup with a broth made from asbestos. You heard me. I said asbestos. Paleo Pete thinks his asbestos broth has nutrition in it because of some kind of protein crystals, or so my wife says. But you know what? I think he’s as confused as a fart in a fan factory because last I heard asbestos was poison. I told Charney no, you can’t serve my family asbestos and you certainly can’t serve the greater Ogallalian community asbestos without making people sick and causing a stir. She doesn’t agree and it’s hard to argue with rock hard abs and an ass that could shatter a candle. I’m not a moron. I vaccinate my boy and voted for Bernie Sanders. I pay my taxes like a fucking American. I know the right way up is the sky. This asbestos buffoonery is making my ass itch! Paleo Pete hasn’t got the sense God gave a goose. Now what does that say about my Charney, and what does that say about me? I feel damned stupid, that’s what. This shit’s crazy, right? Because if it isn’t, you can butter my butt and call me a biscuit cos I’m ready to eat."

Special Segment: Poop Trance: the Movie

Final Thoughts: Next time you call someone baby, imagine they are actually a baby. Superimpose an image of a baby laughing, crying, puking, or whatever seems appropriate using your mind. Do this for awhile, and see what happens to the way you perceive the people (and other creatures) you call baby. The results may surprise you!

Related Links:

  • Poop Trance: the Musical: Download the hot MP3 track if you want to!
  • Vagina Pagina: Curved Vagina: My boyfriend said the other night that he thought I had an "unusually curved vagina." I didn't think it was anything unusual. Apparently I seem a lot different than the other women he's been with, and since I haven't explored anyone else's vagina I really don't know. I told him that they had come out with tampons which were curved to fit the natural shape and he proceded to show me a diagram of a vagina that was straight! Hmmph! :P
  • Can't insert a tampon in straight. Is my vagina bent?: I have tried inserting a tampon several times but I can't get it to go in straight and it hurts when I try to push it further. I felt inside and my vagina goes in a curve like this ) but more like a backwards C Is this normal?
  • Rough Night: A group of friends are horrified when the male stripper they hired for a wild bachelorette party in Miami winds up dead.
  • Create Your Very Own "Garden Spicer" in Three Easy Steps: I love a good, topical lawn ornament—especially if it can perform double duty as some sort of scarecrow—so I am naturally pretty obsessed with what one brilliant woman is calling the “Garden Spicer.”
  • Pete Evans Praised For His Daring New Asbestos Broth Recipe: CELEBRITY chef Pete Evans’ alternative dieting movement has been praised after an interview with journalist Mike Willesee on the Seven Network’s Sunday Night program.
  • Nobody's Perfect: Except doglover199709, who is perfect in this video.